Power Pros Forum

My short story:

Today after lunch I went to buy a cookie from the vending machine like I do everyday and they didn't have any *(censored)* M&M COOKIES. I was gonna buy nothing so that they didn't get my money, as a small gesture of defiance and a *(censored)* you for not having m&m cookies, but I broke down and bought chocolate chip and they were decent.

You've failed the revolution.

Well I mean I ended up with cookies so I was pretty happy still

yep

Had I waited another minute, I don't think I'd have seen them, her. But there they are as I go to line up, we make some sort of eye contact, and she says a nice "Hey Nick!". I say hey back without thinking and she disappears from view when I get in line. She could very well have seen me and not said anything, but she did, maybe because I was looking her way? I wasn't trying to, it was more out of the corner out my eye, but I guess it can't be helped. And that pretty much made my day.

..hey, remember when she asked "How about you,"? The four of us were playing that board game, but not really, shelving it for small talk. She asked if I was going to go to prom, and this is right after I find out from her own words. It was a "probably not" from my end, but I knew the real answer. It's a blunt no, it was never my thing, and unless something drastically changed it would stay that way. Well, being 100% honest, if it wasn't with her, it wouldn't be with anybody else. I've set my mind on it. If she asks again later on in the year, that'll be what I say. And she'll more than likely go with him, and I'll be home with all these regrets, but that will be a decision I had made and I will face. That's how strongly I feel.

yo

I feel that

Well I saw Sadie for *(censored)* sake. And another story
Why would she give me that. The girl I like. With another guy. What the *(censored)*. Am I being ridiculous? What the *(censored)*. Well this is nonsense. Anyway, you probably want to know what am I talking about. So, this guys's mom gave me a picture with her son and Sadie. Why? I have no idea. Still, it's probably nothing. But just why? Does God want me to see this? What the *(censored)*. Date: I can't remember. (Seriously I don't remember because it was ridiculous.)
Story Two:
I saw her. And she said "I miss you." And she has a boyfriend. Maybe she thinks of me and misses me. My dad wants me to call her. I ain't know. How am I supposed to know? I am twelve years old. What the *(censored)*. I still don't know. I've only known her since first grade. I barely know her know. And she misses me. And I just couldn't say a word. My dad just followed her bus. And beeped the horn. What the *(censored)* right. I don' feel comfortable near her. She's gorgeous. More than Kate Upton for God's sake. She's *(censored)* hot. She always was. And she leaves some tear in me. Feelings I can't understand. Does she like me? Am I insane? We go to different schools. I cry just because I can't see her. She was my life. She was the only reason life was worth living for some years. And I can't say a word to her. I'm just shocked. And I can't get out of it. Maybe if I just called. Just next week... I have no *(censored)* idea what these feelings are or why I have them. They just are... And I'm just in the middle. Walking there in a circle. And there's just no escape... And she can't escape me. She'll always just be there. What the should I do? I'm in the middle of the hard times. And they're not going away. Yet is to come. But really what should I do.

I've done a lot actually and know a girl named Sara very well.

"Lost in the Funhouse" by John Barth. About 20 pages, but I promise it's worth the read, especially for those of you who write.

You may be wondering why I like Sadie. And God is there so many reasons. Or why I'm so sad. Eh...
[i]I am just so sad. Now why am I sad? Like what did I do? What did she do? It's just so sad. I had her. I had her. I just had her. And I lost her. I gave her some of me. I gave her my heart. I gave her more than my heart. I gave her everything. An arm, maybe a leg. More than that. I gave her everything. And she left. She didn't leave me, but we were never in a relationship. But I had her. I loved. I needed her. I more than wanted her. The Giver says love is a wanting feeling. But for me it's more. When you love someone and they leave it just kills me. I love her. And more than that I feel like I need her. I can't see her and that kills me. She doesn't even want me to see her. Does she? She has been part of my life for only three years. But God were they hard years. Two years of Cyber bullying. Actually more. And she was just there. I think I would've had suicide if it weren't for her. Because Sadie is my only life goal. I need her and no one can stop her. I will do anything for her. God I'll die for Sadie. She's my whole life. She has always been there for me(3 years). And I more than need her, I just can't live without her. I'll die without her. If I do, I'l die. I hope I know what's coming. Cause God am I afraid.

"What, your boyfriend? ..No? I thought you had one." "No..." I want to ask why, how. What happened? And remark that if she doesn't mind me saying, I don't understand. How could someone have her and not want her?

Maybe she's not really seeing somebody? This was something spur-of-the-moment that I overheard. If not, it's baffling.

It's one of those ugly, rainy, warm afternoons. Really out of place in December.. but when did I start looking at the sky for answers anyway? Here we are, nearing Christmas break. And all that means to me is we're halfway through the year, halfway through my quest. Will I find some way to..? I'm not sure anymore, hope so.

Last evening, after helping Payton with the Spanish project, we talked more about our interests. She suggested I do something with language when I'm older, since I'm good with Spanish and already learning Japanese. She wondered why I picked Japanese specifically, and I said somewhere along the line I heard it and it interested me. It's smooth and fast. Once I started with it in August, it became fun, and a goal to reach. Payton commented that she wished she could do it, and it's pretty cool. I related it to her passion for art, that it's not easy and I'm not far along yet but it will probably become natural. Art can be very layered and complicated, and there's different phases of it - like learning Japanese words and their associated kanji. Eventually, it'll become second-nature.. she classifies it as an addiction, haha. I thanked her for considering it a cool talent, and she asserted that it is, she sees me doing it all the time. I told her how I'm usually doing it because I don't want to waste any free time, especially with movies that can't keep my attention span. I sympathized for her and Zach, and kids our age who work those super-late shifts, even if it's for good pay. I always see her tired in class and feel bad, that's why I think it's good that we joke around, and have somewhat become friends. I never worry in that class; it's fun to shoot the shit with Payton and not be concerned about the assignments. She verified that, unless it's in her case where she knows nothing, heh. I said that's why I help - we do it fast, we joke, and then we're done. Then it hit me.. her being there made it all the better for me. Her and Sara made it my best class, I think. And it's not because she says "dumb things so it's humorous", as she thought, haha. Maybe it's that she cares so little that it's almost calming. I worry about shit all the time, and she's in the calm constantly. It feels nice to help, feel like I'm needed in some way. We're opposites, in terms of not only care towards class, but also our level of worry about certain things. And I can understand why. Why would she give a shit about school when she has other stuff to concern herself with? Like she said: balancing social life, school, and work is a burden, it's draining. I definitely became more comfortable socially after her advice and with her friendship, talking to her in-person. I realized how I've come to appreciate that class even if we have different perspectives on it. Before Payton and I were "friends", I was always uneasy in class. There was always pressure to ask Sara things, start up conversation back then. I didn't know Payton well enough so my full focus was my crush on Sara. And I remember being mad at myself for not speaking up, missing opportunities. I still feel that way sometimes, but it's to a much lesser degree. Behind the scenes, Payton had been dishing out advice, bringing me along in the whole casual convo and relationship deal. That definitely lessened the pressure, having her to lean on when I was anxious. But I would be remiss to not mention that having her to talk to in person and noticing how she is very laid-back about the little things affected me too. I said I was sure I remembered her in some fashion from being in Reca and Bruder together, but it wasn't until I asked her for advice that things changed. We might have become friends eventually out of necessity - because I've sat next to her all year - but either way, I'm glad it happened.. Neither of us made formal Christmas lists, but she did bring up how she's getting another tattoo for her birthday in March. It's a compass and flowers on her foot because her other tattoo is the quote "Not all who wander are lost", and it's fitting. Your feet do take you where you wanna go. I thought that really profound, really neat. It reminded me how we both have different paths to take but our drive is similar. I give her and Sara a lot of credit for developing me as a person this year, even if inadvertent.

We were side-by-side,
and not a word was exchanged,
but I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world.
I think that speaks for itself.

One small moment, and I write all this about it. What does that make me, guys..

I was too anxious to leave without asking her. I was unsatisfied, regretful, and maybe irrationally pissed at myself. I wondered if it made sense to feel this way.. Payton eased my discontent in saying that we might not talk some days: "it happens." But the thought of not asking about it made me increasingly tense. There was no going back, I'd confront Sara at her locker again - and that ended up being the case. I could see her heading for her locker from G hallway, but I was prepared to arrive there ahead of time. And naturally I could barely compose myself in her presence, probably shaking and heart beating. I brought up Mr. Highland, articulating that she shouldn't worry about her escort duties. I didn't understand why she would be scared, rather she'd thrive in that environment. I know she said to me the other day that she's not that "open" and doesn't like being in front of that many people, but I don't see it. She does not seem the introvert type like me - and that's living proof of opposites attracting. I can feel her trying to bring the extrovert out of me in class, and that's part of why I feel like she knew all along that I liked her. I guess her fear was more in a physical way, like how she said she could fall or someone messes up and there's an awkward silence in the room. Either way you construe it, she thanked me and said I was "very sweet." This is reminiscent of when I gave her the necklace and she uttered a similar wording, but still returned it. In the moment, I neglected to consider if she truly meant it, or rather she's just putting up a nice front because she feels bad for me. She asked if I was going to be there tonight and I replied that I probably would not, and I have my reasons for it. That wasn't what I wanted to discuss anyway, but I had overheard her talking about it earlier so it was the right way to break the ice. With that, she seemed about ready to go, so I let it out. "You already know.. I like you, right?" That's all I wanted to know. That was paramount to me. I think having confirmed she knows is extremely important going forward. The talks we have will hopefully be less dicey now that both of us are certain of it. She said yeah, and I quickly assured her before I left that I would try and be less awkward when we talk. This was all hurried as you might expect, but I expressed what I needed to in that timeframe. And I came away from it feeling so damn good. Yeah, I was rattled and off-balance a bit like usual, but she appreciated what I had to say, and I learned that she knows for sure.

It begs so many questions: how long has she known, what did she think when I approached her before, what did she think when I gave her the gift, and so on and so forth. These are the type of inquries to make next time I see her in class, a good way to jumpstart casual conversations. It was what I was afraid of and failed to do a long time ago. And I hypothesize that Sara knew I couldn't quite bring myself to ask her in class, but as genial as she is, wanted to draw it out of me. I speculate at least part of her likes having someone interested in her, wants me to go for it, and she has noticed that I'm slowly coming along. I can't say that unequivocally.. but you would think so based on my meetings at her locker, giving her a gift, and more recently, her subsequently striking conversation about physics or me being Italian or what have you. There has to be a reason we're swapping greetings and she's prompting me to chat more. Asking if she knew I liked her was, above all else, validation of all my conjecture. But I definitely would like to know further about her side of things this whole time. I want to know that first before I, say, get to know her personally and ask her out. It would provide some solid outside perspective on how I'm doing this that I could learn from. As cumbersome as it was on my end, I think it would be fun to talk about with her in hindsight.

I felt pure bliss after that, just like the period after I gave her the gift a month or so ago. It's a state of oblivion, in fact, blocking out any downsides or negative notions. I could hang out in the room for lunch with Tim and the guys and act natural. Had I not went and spoke to Sara, there would have been an overwhelming sentiment of lamenting an obligation unfulfilled. As is atypical of these situations, or at least so far in my experience, Sara gave no intimation that this had happened or affected her, not in study hall nor physics thereafter. What she did do in study hall was vocalize consecutive "hi's" to Cameron as they walked past to their table. I mimicked counting three on my fingers and Cameron played it off, but inside I was perplexed. Mind you - two periods ago I wished her luck, said she'll do great, admitted one of my flaws (I don't speak so eloquently around her), and chiefly outright conveyed that I like her. There's no ambuiguity there anymore. And I have always been sincere on the inside about my feelings; I'm willing to admit to myself when I don't correctly go about this and when I have a poor mindset about it. I've never appeared to her to be lying on the outside, in fact I've dropped constant hints about my interest, some in my speech and some visual, that I can tell she picked up on. That's a strong pitch, and I say my honesty about it is one of my more distinctive qualities. I would have disclosed it sooner if I had enough courage, but she already knew anyway. In case you can't tell, I was slightly exasperated by this, and the funny part is that it's not the first time she's done it either! Every time, it's unprovoked, catches Cameron off-guard, and coincidentally, I'm right next to him. If she's not doing that on purpose or not being facetious, I can't explain it. If it's not to tease me, then what the *(censored)* is it about? That.. that I would love to know, that I would like to ask.

What will be especially telling is how she reacts when I see her Monday. Does she stay quiet until I look at her, does she greet me when we first sit down, and/or will she make a point to establish more conversation? All the same, I'll still be happy to see her. I know it sounds and reads like I'm down on the situation, but that's only after a period of prolonged musing. When I write down my thoughts after the fact and carefully read them over, I can replay the events and regain focus. When I snap out of it, I'm actually as optimistic as I've ever been regarding Sara. The key to it is keeping my confidence when I feel deterred, and not let it dissuade me. This is what I've wanted since the beginning, and that's always what I end up realizing at the end of the day. Here we are, all this change in train of thought, all the little things that have happened since October when I developed this crush, and still I have my mind set on making it happen. It's awe-inspiring, really, how I can come home one day feeling despondent about it, predisposed to the worst and not expecting anything. And yet the next morning, I prep myself to be excited to walk in, sit, wait for her to come in, look her way, talk, help her, and who knows what else. Whether she does mention this meeting to me or not, I can take solace in the fact that she knows I like her. Nothing changes her knowing that truth, and there's no more questions to be had about that. I would hope this new knowledge, or reaffirming it, bringing it to light, would send a clear message to Sara. With her it's become hard to predict.. if she says nothing at all about it and we don't talk this week, then what I communicated had no real merit to her. And that would mean she really does just see it as a compliment, not as a serious interest to be explored. But (selfishly) I have to insist it would be very surprising for this to go unnoticed. Or, maybe not? If there's one thing that's for sure, it's that nothing is for sure.