I actually stopped writing for a while after I found out about that, besides a dream I had recently. Here's the next part.
instances today.. so I can remember. first, maybe looking over when she first sits down in Spanish. next, when I hop up to hand my test in, and I sense her needing some help out of the corner of my eye. at the end, she asks if we have a double period today, and we do. I ask facetiously if she likes having lab period that with Schoening, she says "no," and pauses with those eyes and that slight smile. it's almost like she knows I'm an awkward speaker and is waiting for me to mess up or sound unintelligible. I always feel overly regretful and stupid when she asks for help and I'm dumbfounded, or I drop the ball somehow. it's could be brushed off but no way, if I'm gonna be anything to her it could at least be helpful. I wonder if she's ever had to stay after for the labs, and since she's exceedingly smart and I know this, I shouldn't have expected anything other than "nope, well maybe once at Tartan Time." just reminds me how we're so different and I'm no good for her - even if she appears confused during the labs I have supreme confidence she has no trouble with Physics as a whole. on the other hand, Cam and I are left deprived of equipment most labs and therein lose out on listening to directions, so we fall behind..having to stay after during study halls or after school. those days when I opted not to eat breakfast, not eat at Tartan Time, and go upstairs to finish a lab sucked. I told her how I like seeing if other people are confused when he's explaining things, haha, and how I wish he'd just let us do the labs right way so we have ample time to finish in class. I think she could sorta sympathize with that. this minute-long conversation was a mere formality for her, just ensuring what she assuredly knows already, but it means so much for me. I couldn't have been happier to have this girl I feel such fondness for talk to me, even in an arbitrary fashion, even if for no other reason than to remind herself what we're doing at the end of the day. why did she do that anyway, she knows we have double period on D day..? times like that are why I keep this weird intimation that she knows how I feel. of all things to talk about, something so obvious. she leaves down the hallway, disappears through the doors leading to the downstairs steps, and I maintain to myself she's the one, and I can't wait to see her later on.
then, at free period, I walk the other route past her locker to get to the library. I usually try to pass her locker out of tribute if anything, and out of anticipation for when I (inevitably) give her the necklace. so I'm going through G hall with my head up, and up there I'm thinking about her probably, and she passes by to get to someone's locker. I see her at the side but keep my cool and pretend I don't notice with my headphones playing Razorblade all the way. she reaches it and I continue on but I'm of course curious if she thought I did that intentionally or something. I do remember this same thing happening before, wherein I realized she goes down the same hallway whereas I'd normally go the long way closer to F. I think I looked pretty aloof in that moment, trying not to look over at her with the music going and acting like this was all a coincidence, a happy stroll down a different path. I'm just going to the library after all! and who'd have thought, right as Tim and I line up in the library, her and Diana are immediately behind us. I kept calm for those seconds but she had to use the computer or whatever anyway. I was amazed how I can somehow see those eyes from a ways away, but it holds true. Zach decided to go really deep in English about relationships; I'd love to talk with him, Jake, and Chris about this stuff. Jake mentioned how he doesn't want his parents to know about that side and I thought about how inclusive I've kept this. I'm buying this gift, getting it shipped, waiting on it, and nobody knows except friends. that's the way it's going to stay, likely, because I need to do it, figure this out on my own. this is especially introspective, I suppose, because of my 18th birthday coming up on Saturday.
like.. I know what she has going on, and yet I went through this peculiar process & consider it as spending my birthday money, for a very particular gift, and really want her to have it anyway. why is it that I still want to, for her? do I really care this much, and why? damn, buying a certain girl a certain gift in a certain way.. who knows if she'll even like it, or the thought behind it, but feeling so strongly to follow through. I guess I really am growing up. anyway, the last time I envisage meeting her eyes was in Physics at the end of the day. her laptop starts blaring a commercial while we're working on projects, we turn around, and she's only slightly embarrassed. it gets fixed quick but I'm further concerned with that smile, that look she keeps after. yeah, it never really changes, nothing really deters me, I could hear something disheartening but I wouldn't care. every day I cherish waking up and feeling shit and tired, but knowing that we have class together soon. I cherish the moment when she walks in and sits and she's next to me all along, and the times when she passes by and it feels fated. I treasure the times when I'm fixated on her and I can swear (on all things holy) she notices, or rather just being able to imagine the notion that, by chance, she might have. it's a light in my life I don't think would have been possible in the past. indeed, it brings about an utter positivity and confidence in thinking and outlook, gives rise to good sleep on it and dreams, daydreaming and midday dreams one in the same. it fosters this fuzzy feeling in all my impulses and predispositions, in inflection, finds itself relating to music, stories, writing, everything. there's an aura, that of overwhelming, profound happiness and hopefulness, anything involving her.
I presume that's why, although I know now what I found out that day, I resolved to write about it again today, and why I remain happy and optimistic. I presume it's why it feels so right to give her the gift, in spite of what I know and its potential implications. It's my way, as clumsily indirect as I usually approach her, to show my thanks. *(censored)* it, *(censored)* what I thought originally and feeling sad about it being "over". I know completely now, whole-heartedly, how I feel about her, and that I definitely do care, and how much I wanted it, and it doesn't change that. I'm reminded and think better of that mantra every day now when I see her. regardless of whatever I'm worrying about, who it may confuse, who may be offended, I see it as a nice gesture with a shielded meaning, and altogether something to be appreciated. It's only a friendly Christmas gift, no? we can interpret this however we like, but it's the thought that counts. whether I do feel a certain way or not, or whether it's possible or a groundless, baseless dream that I admire from too far away to act on, it strikes me as befitting of the situation. I've thought about it too much now to not ultimately trust in it and welcome the outcome. if this really is what I want, and clearly it is if I dragged myself from the depths more than once and had it dawn on me, then there's no questions to be asked. there's no disputing it, doubting this and that part, I'm set in it now.
I'm going to present her the necklace as a gift, and will have no hesitation in caring about what happens after. maybe she'll think it's odd, unbecoming, not want to accept it, but I lose nothing in that case. I can't blame myself for not taking the time or having had enough knowledge to truly select something apt, because I honestly did. I wanted to know her more, I found out more about her, and thought it suitable to get specifically this, just for her. I hope it turns out for the best, and she either sees it as a nice gift from a friend.. or recognizes it on a deeper scale, wants to know the why & how of it, why for her, why all the way from Dubai, why in blue, her favorite color. if none of the above happens, there's no saying for sure she doesn't wonder all this anyway. maybe she accepts it there and then and says nothing, is curious only in secret, maybe refers to it later. knowing her, she'll give a half-smile, half-puzzled expression and a brief thanks, not drawing much from it. however, it's plausible that something like this, a thoughtful gift, solicits more questions than a impromptu compliment or a densely thought-out note could. The package with the gem pendant necklace inside reached New York today, and I await its arrival, its significance, and the forthcoming chapter. Sara, you don't know it, but this one's for you.
_________________ Nick ![Image](http://i.imgur.com/0VEFYoo.png)
Last edited by philliesfan134 on Wed Dec 02, 2015 12:26 am, edited 2 times in total.
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